the shedevils boybeating times

There's always a party somewhere in town.

I went out to Daniels little suburb yesterday. He called and asked what I was up to, being as bitch depressed as I'd been I'd acctually not planned anything but sitting in front of the tv moping, so he invited me on a night out with his friends. Which I just couldn't pass up on...
So I went out to see him, spent time with his friends. Danced, laughed, had fun. Though I didn't feel very chatty or social, I hope I succesfully disguised it. Also one of his friends, Rikard, asked for the address to this place. I gave it and then afterwards Daniel told me it was the pictures Rikard was after, so for those who're here for the cam pics... go here.
I spent the night at Daniels. We slept late. His dad called a couple of times to remind him that he'd promised to help out with the boat but we just snuggled in bed for as long as possible. It was nice.
Mum just dropped the dog off now. So things are going back to normal. I wish I could be free of him for a whole week, cause sometimes is the mornings I go to work that's the worst...

Break - breakdown

I don't know what to do anymore. I can't do anything, I can't look anywhere. Everyone is pounching me in the stomach and kicking me when I'm down. I don't get what I ever did to deserve this. What did I do to be treated this way?
Lets start with Daniel.
I was at his place on thursday. I'd dropped the dog of at mums and just took the first train out there. I was looking forward just hanging with him and I honestly thought I'd stay the night, considering I had work 5 am in the morning and even he would have to see that it'd be pointless for me to take the hour way home late at night.
So I came, we laughed, had fun, had sex, twice, talked and then he absolutely demanded that I slept at home. His reason was that his dailyrythm and my dailyrythm were different and he'd end up keeping me up all night. Even after I said I could sleep through someone bombing my house, he said he was only thinking of my best and I just couldn't stay all night. He held me when I went completely quiet. I'd never felt so thrown out of anyones home before. If he had said he wanted to be able to relax and he couldn't with me, or that he just didn't felt comfortable with me staying over, anything, I'd be cool but he couldn't even be straight with me he just said it was for my own good. I got really hurt and I just completely shut off and didn't talk to him more. Took my stuff, told him I didn't want him to follow me to the train (he still did), only answered his questions with yes or no and said nothing more.
I got so pissed off at myself for not being able to tell him then and there that he hurt me, but when we talked the next day, and I said that it felt like he didn't want me to stay, all he could say was I understand that.
I was so depressed all friday. I just went around like a black cloud. I didn't really want that to effect me but it ended up to have a real grip on me, and I just couldn't think of anything or do anything I just wanted to get through the day.
At 5 pm though it was a jobdinner party thing. I reluctantly went to it because Oskar said I'd promised. I could slowly start to have fun. Drinking, talking, mostly to Fredde and his brother, and Oskar. Everyone were getting drunk around me. Joey couldn't see straight but wouldn't admit to being drunk. Then this miniboss (our office is divided into 4 teams, he's boss of one, it's not mine) came over to me and said he'd heard I wanted to learn the cashregister/office division (basically I told my bigboss I was bored and she said I could learn all the different divisions) so I said yes and he said well if that's what you want to learn you can't say security is unessential (we had a security meeting earlier int eh week and I was so tired I almost fell asleep so I smsed Roger that it was boring) I never said it was unessential I said it was boring and I told him that but he was so drunk (and obnoxious) that he wouldn't listen.
Time went on. Oskar went home, people were talking about going to the casino to waste money. Others were talking about moving on. I was talking and just ended up following the crowd. We went to the next place and I was talking to Fredde who was next to that miniboss from before who just turned to me and said with this project you've been on where was your priority? we were going to the casino and you just dragged everyone here and you just hang around fredde, you hang around joey, henke, wtf is up with you. (basically he was like, looking disgusted at me and calling me a slut, and I was so shocked i didn't know what to say). Apparently I'm not allowed tot alk to all the guys at work because there are no girls to talk to and I'm supposed to be alone in a corner. I don't know. I just got really offended that I just went home.
It was lucky I did cause I was getting really drunk.
I can't say how it went down last night all I can say is that I hate guys. I hate them. They are so fucked up and I'm starting to believe there aren't any decent guys left in the world...

Today and the days before

Wow, was a time ago I acctually put hardcore facts down about what's going on huh?
Except the fact that I miss my friends like mad, Cakes being waaaay over in london and never online, Mel never ever being online or not ever really energetic enough to meet me unless I sit at her job chatting with her (which isn't all that fun), Marzie who moved to London, but online now and then, Charlie who's in paris and never online... well besides all that, here's what's been going on.
As stated some days ago I was at Daniels on friday, spent the night and then had a great saturday with Ebitch (E-bitch, I'm gonna call her that forever now). On sunday Anja, Rikard and my darling William (read sister, her bf and my nephew) came here. They left my exercise bike which i haven't had the time to use yet. Monday I spent cleaning and cooking because today Daniel came over. So I made him meatballs with mashed potatoes because he always buys the finished meatballs and the powdered mashed potatoes (read eeeeeeeeeeeeew, disgusting) so I figured I'd make soem for him to compare with. Thing is I wasn't all pleased with the result but he liked it.
He only stayed a short while because his dad called and interupted us.
He's the reason I'm scared (read post below) because damnit I am falling and hard and I feel like I'll lose myself. I am scared that I'll end up tripping over myself, stepping on the wrong toes, and I don't want to do that. I overachieve. And I try too hard to please. Instead of just living each moment as it is I constantly fear for the future. I fear love more than anything in this world because love does crazy things to me. I've let myself get so hurt in the past and I am so scared of past mistakes to haunt me.
I know it's not fair to place so much pressure on him, but he doesn't realize this is who I am. I can get so cold just to drop it a second later. Or faze off into this trip down memorylane because it's easier to remember than to look ahead. Shit I wish I could explain it.
Ok how about I say it like this. I put to many expectations on people so that they are impossible to fulfill so that I can discard them and pretend it was me. Pretend that I didn't do it out of fear. That I didn't do it becaude deep down inside I fear my own heart. I know how powerful it is and I know that when I fall in love I create this bubble around me. A bubble to protect me from seeing truths I don't want to see until they are so strong that I can no longer hide and when the bubble breaks I am torn into so many pieces. I know I end up stronger than before but the road there is so painful.
Shit I get all depressing over here which is the wrong mood for this post because I'm happy, I am.
All I need now is all my friends back. I miss you girls!
Don't read this stupid post argh, it's just a lashout on myself.... it made no sense whatsoever as usual.

Miss you. Where are you???

With an icepick she tears the marks into bigger holes

Sometimes life is diffuicult and you can't decide what is best for yourself. you can't turn it left you can't turn it right. you spin around in a circle, rerepeating old mistakes. You let old mistakes control you, which basically leads to new kinds of mistakes. There's no winning only losing and it tears you up inside.
The small highs you get can no longer get you out of the deep low hole in the ground where you've dug your grave.
Sometimes you think there's no end, there's no way out and you can't really understand why you let this happen to you over and over again, why you walk over yourself.
I don't know why I expect so much. And I don't know why I repress so much. I don't know why I just wont let myself be who I am, why I am afraid of who I am. Why I feel like it's screaming inside of me just wanting to come out. Why I die to please and cry to be pleased.
Why I am I stuck in a world where you have to play games to get what you want? Where you can't jump in someones arms in case they'll get scared of intimacy and run away. Where you are more attractive if you pretend that you don't want a person at all, but becomes totally uninteresting when you are all over them? I don't understand. I hate games.
I'm afraid of never being happy. Always finding something to complain at even when things are perfect. Because maybe without that ink stain on a perfect surface I can't relax? Enjoy myself? I don't know what. Maybe I should go to therapy because I seem inclined to ruin my own happiness. I seem destined to make myself miserable. My life can't bear many more attempts on picking holes into it.
I can't accept faults anymore. Not to the extent I used to. Not when it comes to treating me. Tired of getting hot and cold thrown at me. Tired of wondering what I did wrong. Tired of always analysing, always waiting.
I always seem so tired and worn out these days. Maybe I'm 23 going on 80...

aaaaaaaaah

Weeeell isn't that nice. I formated my computer. Reinstalled ie and trillian and that's about all I've got now hah!
It feels so good knowing that it should be bugless. I should be able to do whatever without a hitch, so should I dare try on Sims2? Scared!
Problem is I took alot of camphotos of me and Eb yesterday (and she took some) and they're all gone cause I just remembered now that I never uploaded them, and also I've got absolutely no music on my computer! HELP! eeep.
Anyway that's about it, I'm gonna go do the dishes and then see what will happen when the Sims2 disc enters my cddrive.... keep your fingers crossed for me!!

edit yeah no, that didn't work. Apparently I need a new computer, so I'll look into that someday, soon, probobly, or not... oh well

goodmorning sunshiiiine

Ebi just left. And I've had one of the funniest saturdays in ages.
It was a spur of the moment thing. Ebi called around 4.30 pm and we just talked and somehow just decided to meet around 6 for a coffee. I was sad that I had no plans and I though it was futile to call any friends because they'd all be busy atleast I thought when she called.
So we went for a coffe at 6 pm and stayed until closing time at 10 pm, went to my place and started drinking wine and when that finished some liquore. Talking about everything unessential and everything that meant shit to us. Talking about now, and then and everything around. Boys, friends, hobbies. It was just alot of talks. I just went to the busstop with her so basically it was 11 hours of alot of laughs.
I'm tired and tipsy and I'm going to sleep. More about friday maybe tomorrow, then again, maybe not. Loves you all...

Daniel is cooking me a midnight thing, well us. And I was at his parents house, his dad made us tacos. Daniel and I after went upsairs to watch tv and ended up doing some xrated stuff. Not at all planned and maybe that's why it worked. Maybe that's why there weren't any hitches.
I've been at his friends house having some beers and I'm at his place now. i'm a bit tired, been up since 5 am, but alot happier. Ed would need a talk with you.
Love you all my girls...

fucking life up royally

I'm so tired of myself. Tired of knowing what I'll do, hate it and still go right ahead and step into the pile of shit. I'm so tired of hating the things I do but not doing anything about it. I'm so fucking tired of myself. I wish I knew why I screw things up for myself....

who makes you feel like I make you feel?

I've got a fucking working toilet again. Life is back to normal in this appartment.
I also had a great day with Daniel which just made me in a fucking great mood. A mood that'll hopefully last all week, month whatever. He's so intelligent and we had such stimulating conversations. And he holds me, and jokes with me, plays games and kisses me. I just had a really good day. So kill me why don't you?
I really need to redesign and if I don't get inspiration soon I'll scream. Also I'll probobly not have the internet after the last day of this month. Sorry...

Oh yeah I almost forgot. My boss said I have to take out my vacation because they wont give it in pure cash, which means I've got 20 working days to take out before november 31st, that's 4 working weeks but I'll try to push it to the end of the year because they can't force me to take it out and I want the money!

karma, it all comes back to you

A while back something really weird happened to me. I got a bill from an internet company that I'd used but cancelled my connection with. It was a rather big bill and I got confused. I had switched to a faster server and why was a recieving a bill from them, I was no longer a customer. So I called them up.
Apparently I was surfing on their ip but with my new companys modem, which according to them was practically impossible. Lucky for me I didn't have to pay the bill, afterall it wasn't my fault, but it was just a freakish thing to happen. Especially to listen to the guy on the phone telling me that it was something that just didn't happen. He was in shock.
I've acctually encountered another similar scenario today.
Apparently in the 13 years our janitor in my building has worked here, no one's had a clogged toilet. In 13 years, I'm the first. It took him an hour of trying to unclog it to realize it was no use, he had to call in specialists, who'll probobly have to take the whole toilet down and out and clean it. It's really weird.
He asked me alot of questions on what could be in the toilet. Did I throw sanitary napkins in it? No ofcourse not! I'm not fucking stupid. Well did my friends? Yeah as if they were that stupid! So basically I'm the first twit in this building to manage to clog a toilet. And to top it all off, the guys who'll fix it are coming after one pm, and Daniel should be here between noon and one pm. Oh joy. I'm not supposed to go out of the appartment cause I might miss them, but what if I have to pee and what if the dog has to pee? And what else can go wrong today?
I had to call in sick because of all of this, and I'm losing a whole days salary. Everything is just peachy!

It's kinda scary

I was cleaning up today and I looked through the various boxes I had in my appartment and I came across my medicinbag. It's basically alot of medics my mum gave me when I was going on my trip and alot of medicin the doctors gave me when I had astmathic problems and problems with my wrist. The scary thing is, I've got enough painkillers to kill 50 suicidal teenagers and just looking at it is terrifying. I know I need them now and then when I get fucking terrible pains that time of the month, but it'll take me 5-6 years to finish them all. So I'm throwing most of it out. I hope no one goes through the garbage around here. It's damn fucking scary.
This weekend has been... special. My toilet is clogged and the plumber is coming tomorrow but I can't use the toilet so I hold it as long as I can and then run around to find a toilet at various resturants. It's just been a hassle.
I met Thomas yesterday. First time in 4 fucking years. It was weird but good and it's amazing that time can pass so quickly.
Tahir was supposed to call me but didn't. I bet he's out of Stockholm by now and that's his choice. I wasn't really in the mood to meet him anyway.
Daniel is coming over tomorrow. I wish he'd see how much I like him, and even though I have guyfriends, it's him I want to be with. If I'd want to be with anyone else I would but I don't and everytime he suggests that I've done some infidelity or that I've even thought about it, it's a piece of my heart that breaks. It's hard because if he can't trust me he pierces holes into my trust for him. Because I've never given him a reason to doubt him, his doubt must reflect himself. So what does he do when I'm not around, or would do if he had the opportunity? Maybe I'm not his first choice and he keeps thinking if he's mine. All these thoughts come calling inside everytime he brings the subject to attention.

You got nothing on me...

Yesterday I met my mum. I was a bit low, but not as low as I'd been the day before, things were looking better, I was feeling better, I'd been smoking less, eating rather right and talked to friends. I'd basically vented most of my agony.
But my mother still felt I wasn't feeling good enough. She took a look at me and diagnosed the cure to be a serious dose of shopping. So she basically bought me clothes for 1000 sek (a bit more than $100) and I was partially cured.
I got home and went straight to bed (after walking the dog).
Today I went to uni to leave my papers, application papers. It felt great. Then I met Daniel . That went really well. I needed a few kisses and hugs and to just sit and talk to him, he's got some intersting things to say. I wont see him until monday earliest. That's cool... because now I know he's busy in advance. No false pretenses.
I've noticed lately just how much I like him. It sort of scares me. I've fallen in deep infatutaions but always ended up feeling either disgust or nothing towards the person, but I just enjoy spending time with Daniel.
The guys at work are just being plain weird and annoying. I feel so lost. I just want Charlie back, she kept me sane, grounded and I had so much fun with her. She'll be back for a week soon, I hope she'll have time to spend with me.
We're also having an office party. I remember how the last one ended and it's not a fond memory. I don't know if I'll go.

Lets let it go...

I'm stuck in this whirlwind of nothingness. I try to decide but every decision is fought off with reason. Every reason has it contradiction. Every contradiction leads to more confusion and I get back to where I started.
I've been a bad girl today and I don't even want to get into it. If I'd only had a feeling inside, telling me if it was right, wrong, wanted, needed or even called for. I just want to understand why I'm feeling absolutely nothing.
I am working on routine. Everyday, every feeling, every expression. I'm so tired of the same conversations. The same problems. The same conflicts. I'm tired of hearing I don't care when I did but I gave up on feeling anything. I'm tired of feeling that I mean nothing to those I want to matter. I am tired of being bored and being too broke to do the things I want to do.
I am tired of wanting more and getting nothing but too scared to let go of something in fear of regretting it later. I am too tired to care right now, and I don't want to do anything stupid.
But I am stupid. I've stepped into a pool too deep for me. I've opened memories I wanted to forget and maybe that's why I've shut down. Or maybe it was a small sign of retraction and I got scared and shut down?
I'm tired of being overanalyzed. I'm tired of being told how I feel, what I mean and what I should do. I'm tired of not having a place to retreat to when life just gets too much and all I need is to be held.
I am tired of wanting and needing and I'm tired of being too giving, too understanding, too forgiving. I'm tired of being selfish. I'm tired of thinking I'm selfish the times when, for once, I'm not. I'm tired of trying to understand and I'm tired of not being able to get that kick, that energy I used to feel when I wanted something. Maybe I don't want anything?
Inside it's a huge hole waiting to be filled. With knowledge. With experience. With conversations. But most of all emotions. Right now any kinds of emotions.
I got deperate at work. I almost started screaming. I was all by myself and my entire body was shaking. I thought about anxiety attacks. I thought about depressions. I thought about pain. It was just a laps of low bloodsugar. But at that moment my boss arrives. Wanting just to talk. She becomes my confident. I tell her how entirely bored I am. And she tells me she'll set me up to learn everything around the office I don't know, to give me some variety. It's a really great, sweet gesture. It's something I should welcome and be thrilled about. It's something I needed a month ago. What I need right now is out. I need to get away from there before that place sucks me into its black hole and I'm stuck forever.
I want out. I want anything. I want Cakes to be back so we can sit at any fucking coffee place and just complain about our jobs. I want M to be back so we can sit at any fucking coffee place and complain about jobs and men. I want Charlie to be back so she'd come over and we'd laugh at the way men are extremely pathetic. I want Linda to have her termpaper finished so we could just take a coffee and discuss education. I want Mel to be more happy so that we stop bringing eachother down. I want Sara to be back from Australia so we could compare warstories. I want my sister to have something else to talk about with me than her son and I want to have other things than my bad feelings to talk to her about. I want Jo to live closer aswell as Eva, Angie, Christina, Peter, Tahir, Clare... I want to move all the thaipeople to Sweden or me to Thailand. I want to understand Petter. I want to be free from the postalpeople. I want, I need and I wont recieve.
Shit did I depress you? I just needed to get this out of my system. So how's y'all doing?
Ebi, Nana, up for more beer this weekend? I had fun!

That's an eventful night...

Well my day started well. I met my sister and nephew and we walked around town. Mostly window shopping. It was a good relaxation from work, which I didn't go to, do to the pain that had acctually subsided enough that I was fit enough for work. I paid no notice to that fact.
Around 4 pm I was home and around 5 pm Daniel picked me up. I guess this is something I should've blogged about. The fact that Daniel and I were meeting, he was cooking dinner for me, well anyways.
He picked me up, we went to his parents (who were both out) and he made me a taco dinner. We then snuggled in the couch after extensive talking. After a while his father came home and we went to a friend of his, had some to drink and went out.
This is were all the action begins. We go into a place (I was planning on going home) and I go to the toilet, when I come back and get through the crowd to where he is, I see him knock into a guy in his back and all of a sudden the guy gets majorly pissed off, takes a swing at him. People get in between to break it off, and I see Daniel at the wall going wtf jut happened when a guy comes in front of me and hits him in the face. Suddenly there's cops everywhere and we have to go outside and talk.
Daniel has a red eye looks rather shocked and is adviced to get it checked. So he rushes off to the emergency room telling me he doesn't want me to join. It's one am and I'm alone with his friends.
I guess if I hadn't checked my jacket out I might have joined them inside, but dressed and in shock I just start walking away. I decide to sms Ebitchu who was out with Nana for a drink and I join up with the girls.
They're at a pooljoint and we end up being adviced to play pool with some russian blokes who are really weird. Ebi will have better comments about those.
Shit it was just a weird night and I had too much to drink and I don't want to talk about anything.

Tomorrow or is it today? My sis is coming over for a movie date. Weeee!

See you at the top

Sometimes it's hard to explain just how much some people mean to me. It doesn't mean I don't love and appriciate them. Sometimes I just want to be alone. Sometimes nothing can bring me more warmth than the love of my life.
Sometimes nothing scares me more than the fact that I can discuss plans three months ahead and be honest about my intentions. I don't know if it's the plans that scare me, that I want to do it or that I'll acctually make them come true.
Pain has been squeezing the life out of me, slowly, and since I finished all my fucking painpills I'm slowly killing it with alcohol. I wish I had a big bottle of whiskey right now. It worked in India. It should work now. Damn. India. 45 degrees celsius, pain, sweating from the packs of clothes that covered the entity of the body. Those where days. Of love and hate.
Sometimes I look back and I cherish days when I felt nothing but the pain of a knife cutting through me. But the surroundings were new. The smells were different, exciting. I was going through something I'd never ever dreamed I was capable of. I was evolving and growing every second, every minute, every hour, every day. To become who I am today. I just grew.
Today, every second, minute, hour and day is filled with steps backwards, into a cocoon of blackness. Emptiness, slowly eating me up. But I've found a candle, and even if it blows out every now and then it's slowly helping me to find a way out of my deep pit. I am slowly reaching the top and when I'm there, I'm gonna shout out all this frustration I'm feeling right now and all the joy I'll feel then. I'll see you there, at the top...

Got a right to be wrong...

I got a mind of my own, I'm flesh and blood to the bone, see I'm not made of stone.
I don't know what to say. The world hasn't collapsed. I am not dying and I'm not hurting in perticular. I am sad. I'll admit that. And when I'm not sad I'm angry. When I'm neither I'm happy and doing something I enjoy. It's not the end of the world. I don't know how to explain how I feel. It was a long time since I was involved like this before, where I enjoyed just talking to a person, and who I desperetly just wanted to touch and feel. I guess I had missed this feeling. I keep thinking what I did wrong, which is the wrong approach because it doesn't matter. He made a choice to end it so it ended.
Petter came over on saturday. I don't think he knew why I wanted him over but he obliged and ended up keeping me company all night. We just talked and watched movies and went to bed around 3-4 am. It was good to just talk to someone. Linda also called me and pointed out that if we had troubles this early, it'd be pointless to keep anything going because it wouldn't get better.
I decided to do my best to get into school for next semester. My fingers and my brain are itching. I want to know and learn and grow. I want so much to do something besides my deadend job, which is slowly draining the life out of me.
It basically feels like I'm a walking zombie at that place. I can't grow or advance which makes me feel so closed in. Enough of these dead end jobs, it was sufficient when I had plans of travelling but since I don't anymore, I need more... I need to do more with my life...

I got dumped...

Apparently I'm too good for him...